11:54 a.m. - 2009-11-06
Part III
In Which this Undertaking Turns into Something of an Ordeal:
The next day, Tuesday, I sprung into action. As per Plumbingstoreman's suggestion, I disassembled the the shower pipe from the faucet then attached to our claw-footed tub. This was a successful and reasonably painless process. Armed with the pipe and digital photos of our old, cruddy faucet, I returned to the plumbing supply store and asked the Plumbing Supply Man to sell me the nicer kind of faucet to replace our crummy dilapidated one. This went off without a hitch, and I paid him two-hundred and twenty-something dollars and he sent me home with a sturdy, handsome new faucet that would easily fit with our existing shower apparatus. I returned home, resolving to kick ass in this matter.
The optimism and excitement I felt walking out of the store was, of course, soon dashed when I got home and started prying off the old faucet. I had installed the old faucet myself, eight years ago, and I had apparently done a really good job
because getting it off was a giant fucking pain in the ass. Remember while I'm describing this that our clawtub is right up against two walls in a corner and is obstructed on the other side by our big dumb sink cabinet thing. So I'm having to cram my mottled paws into a space four inches wide where it's impossible for me to see. Also, I'm kneeling in a bathtub and hunched over in a most unnatural way. Did I ever mention that plumbers charge tons of money because they fucking earn it, and then some? But of course, we wouldn't hire a plumber for something so simple as faucet replacement because what kind of idiot couldn't even handle THAT? Oh, spare me your incriminating looks, Dear Reader, for we all know what idiot couldn't handle that task, the very idiot sitting in front of a computer, typing while he tries to confron his terrible shame.
So, but anyway, I finally got the old faucet off. One thing I noticed right away was how the hex nuts that attach the faucet from the other side of the tub wall are extremely thin, and so it's very easy for your wrench to slide off, especially when you can't look at what you're doing. The other thing that occured to me was, I might not have the right tools for this. The one wrench I have is a big Channel Locks with jagged teeth, good for grabbing but not ideal for loosening or tightening in certain cases.
Still, I persevered. I tossed the old faucet and began installing the new one. I used plenty of putty and threading tape in order to eliminate leaks (by the way, if reading this is kind of boring, just remember that I lived it. I fucking LIVED it, man!) and got the faucet in place. It was immediately apparent that tightening the thin hex nuts on this one would be trickier that loosening the old one. The wrench seemed to be the problem. It kept sliding off, despite my best efforts. New tools would be in order. Or, borrowed tools. I remembered that Kia happens to work with people who work with a lot of tools. I WOULD GO TO KIA'S WORK AND BORROW SOME TOOLS. If only it had worked out thus, Dear Reader. Fortuna, wily Fortuna, we all know, has a way of misdirecting us in strange and vexing ways.
NEXT: PartIV
