2:46 p.m. - 2009-01-22
The People at the Grocery Store
How do they move so slowly? It is as though time itself were slowing, the very particles of matter slowly coming apart. Many of them appear to be of advanced age, yet seem paralyzed by bafflement, as though they've never been inside a grocery store, don't understand the whole idea of a grocery store, and can only stand staring at the products, struck dumb by the sensory overload of the products' colors and shapes. Perhaps, as sometimes happens in crappy movies and TV shows, they came from outer space, from a planet whose inhabitants are born elderly and grow younger with time, gradually acquiring the wisdom to select products to fill their shopping carts that seem always to occupy the middle of every aisle.
Their faces: do they show despair or melancholia, or are they lacking the awareness that gives rise to emotion, ant-like in their business and resolve? Maybe they have free will, or maybe they follow orders from a higher source, perhaps some awe-inspiring queen ant or bee who knows she's hungry but can't quite decide what she's hungry for. Do they have a soul, or are they desparately combing the shelves of the grocery store for one, perhaps with whole grain and no trans fats?
The grocery store, the DMV, the bus station, the department of revenue, the methadone clinic: these are the places where hope, humanity and laughter are robbed, horribly beaten and left on the floor, coughing up blood and clutching their shattered ribs. (I've never been inside a methadone clinic, but I would think it would have much in common with these other places. Also, those rental locker places on the outskirts of town, but they're remote and largely unpeopled.) Man, alone among the habitat-building animal community, seems to have a knack for building self-negating edifices. FACT: No nest built by any bird anywhere has ever remotely resembled a strip-mall, especially a really run-down one with a tanning/nail place, then two vacant spaces, then a video store that only stocks the Lethal Weapons movies. Why? Because birds have too much pride for that shit. Or they lack ambition. Building something soul-crushing that will turn people into self-loathing automatons is no easy feat, you know. It requires planning, resources, even a certain hubris.
I say, let's take a few tips from our feathered friends. Next time provisions are low, instead of driving to that depressing store, why not go out back and grab a few toothsome worms? Instead of that uptight three-piece suit, try a thick, colorful coat of plumage. And teeth? Who needs them! A nice sharp beak is all you need to impress your friends and set yourself apart from your colleagues at work. Next thing you know, you'll be creating a buzz wherever you go, garnering all the attention you'll ever need and drawing accolades such as "Bird Man", "Crazy Bird Man", and "Scary Crazy Bird Man".
And yes, you're welcome!
